Twenty years and Tommy Tutone

I'm 27 years old. According to my television, I'm about ready to keel over and roll into the grave. TV is full of "life is too short. Turn around and life has passed you by."

One commercial has a young couple filling their wallet with credit cards, one for each major event in their life. They age something like 40 years in the span of 30 seconds. Give me a break. It's bad enough that my 10 year high school reunion is this weekend.

Another credit card commercial shows a father at his daughter's wedding, seeing her in his mind's eye as a little girl, remembering like it was just yesterday. I didn't feel old on my wedding day, but now I'm feeling it.

And by the way, is there a pattern here? Is the message that you need credit in order to age? That actually makes me want to never get a credit card. Or that when you have a wallet full of credit cards, you've finally hit the plateau of being old?

I think it's because of the baby boom generation.

Old And Proud Of It
There's only one thing on TV that makes me old that I also like. Hit Me Baby One More Time. Poor Howard Jones. It was a shock to see him, battered face, short hair, old. All John Lithgow looking. But c'mon, who doesn't want to hear all that great music? Back when artists actually wrote the songs that came out of their mouths.

Who cares is some of them didn't make sense (everybody Wang Chung tonight. Remind me again--which one is Wang and which one is Chung?) If you're sitting out there thinking, "I never wondered what Tiffany is up to these days," you're just lying to yourself. And it's good to see that Sophie B. Hawkins is just as weird as ever. Of course, singing "100 Years" almost gave me a panic attack, making me think of my little sister, the day she was born and the day last week that she graduated from college.

Tommy Tutone is now is now a software programmer. Oh, what time does to us.

How about The Wedding Singer on Fox tonight? How sad am I that I'm ready to buy this soundtrack? I'm dancing "All Night Long" with Lionel Richie.

Drop the debt....and the act

I'm coming to a crossroads in my life. College is behind me and I'm making money. And trying to figure out what to do with it. Who I want to give it to and who I want to make sure never gets any of it. And the lines are so blurred.

The tsunami happened and I made my donation. It was unbelievable to me how people from around the world came together and got things done. Money was liberated from pockets, people got on airplanes, food was delivered, and people were saved. Within days, even hours. We can get things done, when we take action that gets things done.

I love Bono. I love U2. I think that he means well, but what is the deal with this "hold a rally" method of political persuasion? Bono and his Hollywood friends have launched a new website, www.one.org, to fight global AIDS and poverty. And who's not for that? Everybody wants that. My question is, what is this One organization about? What do they do? Because if all they're about is holding protests outside the G8 summit, maybe I'll start my own charity.

Let's face it, Generation X, the generation that is swayed by people like Bono and Brad Pitt, are in office cubicles during the G8 summit. So if you can't get what you want from the American government, if a bunch of teenagers and what Senators think of as jobless radicals isn't working, isn't it time to appeal to me and my yuppie food stamps?

I'm looking for a charity. I'm looking for someone to give my money to--someone that will take action. That will feed hungry people. I know that there is no more important cause out there than world hunger? Will someone organize an actual fight?

How to be a good neighbor

I know that title might lead you to believe that this article is about a responsible foreign policy, but it is actually about being neighborly in the most basic way possible--to the people that have homes on either side of yours.

Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience being host to bad neighbors. It seems that people see me in a housing market and direct me towards the crazy people neighborhoods.

Is it really that difficult to be a good neighbor? All you have to do is mind your own business, mind your yard, and leave me alone. Is it really that difficult? Apparently.

So just in case you're not sure how you rate as a neighbor, here are a few thoughts.

How is it that some people are able to convert sweet little (or big) pups into weapons of torture? Dogs. I'm learning to hate dogs, even though the dogs themselves aren't guilty of anything but having stupid owners. Do not leave your dog chained to a stake in your backyard. Do not let your dogs bark all night. Doing either will get your pet dognapped or worse. You know that it happens. You've seen the news stories. Don't pretend that you haven't. And don't blame me when I snap, whip out my blowtorch, unchain your dog from its hell pit, and take it to the Animal Protective League.

I guess I really shouldn't complain about that when the opposite of a chained dog, a free one, is actually worse. If your dog is laying on my lawn when I'm cutting my grass, don't come crying to me if it comes home with a reverse mowhawk.

Do not defile my lawn, in any way. In fact, do not enter my property without an invitation. Do not weed whack my grass and leave it to scorch in the summer sun. Yeah, that really happened. To me. For no reason. I came home one night to find a patch of grass, well over my property line, whacked down shorter than Sinead O'Connor. And our best guess on the culprit has an '85 Mustang rusting away on blocks in his driveway. Stay off my lawn!

And if I can hear your music, it's too loud. If I can hear you, you're too loud. If I can see you, you're too close. OK, maybe that just applies to my current neighbors.

Name's not quite the same

It’s a miracle that children get named at all these days. A co-worker recently revealed that her birth name was Baby, only because her parents couldn’t decide on a name before they left the hospital. The first name on her birth certificate is indeed Baby.

So many names get eliminated right off the bat. Close relatives should be the first to be eliminated, to avoid offending anyone or a lifetime of confusion at family reunions.

Next, immediate co-workers. We all love our co-workers, but you can’t have any of these people thinking that you’ve named your child after them. Depending on the size of the company you work for, this can be the biggest challenge of all.

Maybe most importantly, all significant others’ names must be excluded. Just the sound of those names can conjure up rage in even the most forgiving. You really should try to spare your children the sight of you foaming at the mouth and snarling at them as you call them down for Sunday morning breakfast.

Of course, you must also eliminate the names of your grade-school nemesis, your high school principal, your freaky freshman year college roommate, and the guy that sold you your car. No wonder there are kids (or at least one kid) out there named Apple.

A name, after all, isn’t just a name. There is an aura around a name and no matter what anyone tells you or what you try to make yourself believe, there is something sacred about a name. There is karma involved. You are what people call you. And whether you’re an Emma or Eleanor, Ryan or Walter, just think about what your parents went through to give you your title in life.

Where's your box checked?

So now the FDA is going to impose rules that recommend that any man that has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.

How do doctors and sperm bank workers plan to enforce this rule? Will there be an application box somewhere that says "gay sex"? And do they expect that anyone will check it, now that it will make him a pariah?

It makes me think of those race boxes on college and job applications. White check here. Hispanic check here. If you want to make them suspicious, check Other. I always feel like I'm making a morality call. I vote for white. White is right. It doesn't feel right. Why does the world constantly have to be broken down into checkboxes?

And what does the FDA have to do with any of this gay sperm stuff? Sperm is neither a food (don't even say it) nor a drug (that's not any better either). Shouldn't this be CDC territory? And if it was, I'd hope their scientists would find a better way to keep patients safe than using some irrelevant determination of who is "healthy."